Using Mindful Self-Compassion for Mom Guilt
Since becoming a mom to my almost two-year-old daughter, I know firsthand how easy it is to get sucked into a spiral of negative and anxious thoughts. One minute I can be driving along listening to Taylor Swift and the next minute start worrying about what would happen if I got in a car accident. Or how I am such a terrible mom for enjoying an iced coffee on my target run. Cue mom guilt, am I right?
It is a daily battle to be kind to ourselves especially when life gets stressful and overwhelming. We want so badly to be and do everything perfectly that we beat ourselves up when things don’t go according to plan or for simply being human and making a mistake. Which is why as a therapist and mom, I believe practicing mindful self-compassion is so instrumental to combatting all of the stress, anxiety and mom guilt we feel on a regular basis.
But what is self-compassion? According to Dr. Kristin Neff and Dr. Christopher Germer who started developing Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) in 2010, there are three core elements of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. Self-kindness is when instead of criticizing ourselves for our mistakes or shortcomings, we choose to give ourselves unconditional acceptance. I call this element the “treating yourself like you would your best friend”. Oftentimes we are kind and loving towards a friend who comes to us with a problem or challenge in their life and yet we would tear ourselves down for the same thing.
The second element, common humanity, can be best described as remembering that we are not alone. As humans we all make mistakes, we all experience struggles and are all a work in a progress. Yes, my suffering may look different than your pain and suffering, but at some point in our lives we all experience suffering.
Lastly, mindfulness is the practice of focusing on the present moment without judging whatever thoughts or emotions may come up for us. Mindfulness helps us combat the tendency to ruminate or overidentify with our thoughts and emotions and at the same time stop to acknowledge how difficult things are for us in the moment.
Dr. Neff and Germer also call these elements loving, connected presence and state that by cultivating loving, connected presence we can transform our relationship to ourselves and the world around us. It has been evidenced by tons of research that shows being more self-compassionate helps to decrease feelings of depression, anxiety, shame and stress all while increasing feelings of happiness, overall life satisfaction, self-confidence and even physical health.
With any change in behavior or thinking, it does not happen over night. Change happens slowly, over time and most importantly with practice. Here are a few ways you can start implementing self-compassion in your own life:
Whenever you feel bad about yourself or are struggling, think about how you would treat a friend and what you would say to them.
Try keeping a daily journal in which you process the difficult events of your day through a lens of self-compassion.
Practice guided meditation exercises. I recommend starting with the Self-Compassion Break which incorporates all three core elements of mindful self-compassion.
Check in with yourself perhaps by placing a hand over your heart or other soothing place and ask yourself what it is you truly need in that moment.
Use Loving Kindness phrases such as May I be kind to myself, May I be patient, May I learn to accept myself, May I forgive myself.
More resources on Mindful Self-Compassion:
Dr. Kristin Neff’s book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
Dr. Kristin Neff’s book Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive
